From the book
I saw going outside as one big red flag. I would take everything into account. There could be bird poop falling from the sky, people could walk too close to me, I could accidentally touch a lamppost, there were so many risks.
I always loved being outside, walking and doing outdoor sports, but it did not feel good anymore. There was no more pleasure in it for me. It brought a lot of anxiety and tension.
Staying inside all the time was not an option either, all I would do was clean and do laundry. So, I did go outside, hoping that nothing bad would happen. That I would be able to come home without being completely upset. At home I had enough to worry about already, even though I had control over my own hygiene there. Everything could go wrong. I felt so tense. One small thing could happen, and I would be back at square one. One tiny thing, and I would stand in my room crying. This is how it was every day. And also, at night, worrying again and again. Not being able to sleep. Not getting it right in my head. So many things had to change, so many things were not good. Every day was a challenge in a very negative way.
Nowadays I can do a chore, like hanging up laundry or changing my bed, and let go of it and not think about it anymore. At that time, I could not. It never felt right. It never felt like a completed chore. The chore was literally completed but it still did not feel right in my head. It was not right. My head was spinning. Every time I did not complete an action perfectly, I felt a shock through my whole body.
I am going to try and explain it in a way so that everyone can understand it. Things you did not have to think about before or where you hardly had to think about it, were not there anymore. Like spontaneously putting something somewhere. And it was not just making sure I took a shower every day and did laundry, it was so much more.